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Drive Life : January 7th 2011
1HERSA1 F005 BMW11737_SMH_B THE BMW SUMMER SALES DRIVE. COMPLIMENTARY STAMP DUTY REGISTRATION AND CTP* . *Offer applies to new vehicles ordered and delivered between 26th December 2010 and 31st January 2011. Offer excludes Dealer Delivery which may vary between dealers. Cannot be combined with any other offer. WHAT MAKES BMW FREE ON-ROADS BETTER THAN OTHER FREE ON-ROADS? Only a BMW drives like a BMW and the BMW Summer Sales Drive is your opportunity to secure substantial savings across the entire new vehicle range. With incentives also available on 2010 demonstrators, now is the time to get a better deal on an Ultimate Driving Machine. Visit your participating BMW Dealer today. BMW 133 BMW bmw.com.au THE CAR YOU PUT ON THE ROAD. ENDS JANUARY 31. EXCLUDES DEALER DELIVERY. BMW Sydney 65 Craigend Street, Rushcutters Bay. Ph: (02) 9334 4855 bmwsydney.com.au DL 14639 North Shore BMW 676 Pacific Highway, Chatswood. Ph: (02) 9406 0888 northshorebmw.com.au DL 26386 Canterbury BMW 376-384 Canterbury Road, Canterbury. Ph: (02) 9784 8856 canterburybmw.com.au DL 8726 Col Crawford Motors 497 Pittwater Road, Brookvale. Ph: (02) 9941 1291 colcrawford.bmw.com.au DL 6342 Sylvania BMW 101-107 Prin c es Highway, Sylvania. Ph: (02) 8543 5459 sylvaniabmw.com.au DL 14727 Trivett Classic 40-52 Church Street, Parramatta. Ph: (02) 9841 9003 trivettclassicbmw.com.au DL 579 The Sydney Morning Herald Friday, January 7, 2011 5 DriveLIFE How should you prepare for your trip? Roadworthy . . . without OPFM input, cars would be primitive. Photo: Alan Lambert TONY DAVIS Frequently Unasked Questions OPFM, the peak motoring body for breathless press releases about holiday safety, has advice for those preparing their car for a summer trip. Or for back to school. Or for any other date that gives sufficient excuse to wheel out the same tired old stuff. Research by OPFM (Organisations Profiting from Motorists) continues to show that 100 per cent of cars on the road are unsafe and require maintenance and other expensive services offered by its member companies before any further driving is done. Otherwise everyone will die. A summary of the research reveals, for example, that vehicles that have been repaired at some time in their life without using original spare parts are six times more likely to spontaneously implode, crushing bones and vital organs, especially those of women, children and adorable furry pets. OK, there was an exaggeration or two in there but you know the drill. It's the time when you are reminded that ''many families are organising their trips to visit much-loved friends and relatives'' and that ''top of the list of things to prepare should be the safety of the vehicle you will be travelling in''. Ergo, you should be energetically checking fluids and tyre pressures or, better still, having an OPFM member company check them. That way, they can also discover that your car's capacitator lift joints are carbonised and the dweezil valves need re-squidgioning. Perhaps even replacing. And we all know the danger of using cheap Chinese dweezil valves (rather than the expensive ones in the brand-name packaging that come out of the same factory). OPFM releases are mainly about tyres, brakes, engines, steering and shocks. But what about the rest of the car? When will they vary it and worry us about other things? Here are some possibilities: It is essential that the polished wood dashboard highlights are checked annually for termites and dry rot, which can spread through the whole frame, reducing the value of your investment to zero and turning your happy holiday conveyance into a dark carriage of mortality and mayhem. Windscreen wipers that are rain- sensitive can also be sensitive to other things, such as sarcasm and negative performance assessments. It is important that such wipers sit down with an OPFM-approved specialist and talk at regular intervals and that he (or she) prescribes appropriate medication where needed. Rear-view cameras should be converted to 3D for greater safety, as well as an all-over more engaging and pleasurable viewing experience. Ensure you remove the glasses, available from all OPFM members, when driving forward. OPFM-licensed technicians have specialised equipment to check cup-holder deployment efficiency. Holders that open too slowly can cause deep-seated psychiatric problems in owners. Cup holders that open too quickly and with too much force can potentially shatter limbs and/or spill hot coffee, causing pain, injury and havoc. Bluetooth and mobile phone transmissions may seize steering systems, cause suspension spring frequencies to change over time and intensify global warming, unless checked by an OPFM- approved scientist. Chrome reflectivity is vitally important and must be measured and maintained for safety reasons. At the same time, have the adhesion levels of badges examined. Loss of numerical indicators, particularly those relating to engine size, can cause problems in males. Under no circumstances ignore the service schedule for your Energy Polariser. Poorly aligned crystals will take longer to direct universal life forces throughout the car's natural meridians of energy, potentially ruining not just your trip but all your future worldly incarnations. Speak to an OPFM- endorsed lama today. With this minimal care, you can be guaranteed safe motoring until the next press release, at which point you and everyone you know will again likely be speared, immolated and defenestrated if you don't follow the instructions.
December 17th 2010
January 14th 2011